beautiful surrender
Have you ever felt like God has given up on you? Have you ever felt like God has given you a promise and then never delivered it? I’ll be completely transparent– I have. In fact, it's been recent. At the end of last year, God had given me a promise. I won’t go into all the details (because then this would be wayyy too long and no one has time for that). This promise was a promise of a beautiful relationship. I know, it sounds crazy that I was mad at God over this, but it was so clear. Funny thing was, I was so sure about this promise, and immediately after crap hit the fan. Everything went the opposite way of the promise. My head wouldn’t stop spinning. I was so confused, frustrated, and simply mad at God.
I was embarrassed that I had put so much effort into making this relationship work, especially when they took advantage of my kindness and forgiveness. I was so mad at God, yet I knew I needed Him more than ever. I took my anger with God and began to try and take the situation into my own hands. I put way too much effort into trying to make the relationship with this person work, I was constantly asking God, what do “I” do? Then I felt like nothing I was doing was good enough because the situation wasn’t getting better. It got to where I just became so paralyzed. I was so obsessed with making the promise come to pass that I couldn’t see anything outside of the situation. I began to lose myself in the mess I was in. I didn’t enjoy the things I used to. I quit wanting to hang out with friends. It got to the point where I didn’t even wanna leave the house. I gave so much of myself that I literally had nothing left to give, to anyone.
I finally got to the point where I realized it wasn’t up to me to figure it out. I had to completely surrender it to God. I needed to focus on myself and my relationship with God. I thought I had a beautiful relationship with God when in reality, I was trying to control the relationship for my good. Key word- trying. As I surrendered everything to God, things began to click into place. I began to rediscover my love for the things I had once loved so dearly. The relationship still hasn’t been reconciled, and it probably never will. I don’t understand the reason for it, but I think there’s a little bit of beauty in that. I don’t have to understand it all. I just have to trust God.
As painful as this situation was, I am so thankful for that. I am a completely different person than I was at the beginning of that season. I’ll be completely vulnerable here also, I’m still working through anger and frustration towards the person. And if someone has hurt you, your hurt is valid and I’m not condoning their actions. I am still working through the pain and hurt myself (forgiveness is HARD), but I have gained so many beautiful lessons and moments that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. My faith was broken down and is being built back on a foundation that is way stronger. This blog was born out of that season of pain- hence the name.
I say all of that to say– it’s ok to be mad at God. Be honest with yourself and how you feel. I began to reach out to the mentors in my life. For the longest time, I didn’t tell anyone about the situation. I didn’t want their input and I wanted to be able to control it myself. I was embarrassed and prideful over the situation. Sidebar- don’t do what I did. We have a community for a reason. Use them, lean on them, and talk to them. It helps, trust me. One of the mentors I met with gave me great advice. She told me that I had to get to the point of “even if.” Saying even if this doesn’t go the way you said God, (spoiler alert: it didn’t.) I still trust you and will continue to follow you. We serve a mighty God. A God who died on the cross for sins that we had yet to commit. He’s never going to abandon us.
The story of Job is a beautiful illustration of what it looks like to trust God amidst our situations and obstacles. Job lost everything in the span of a few hours—his herds, his family, and his money were all gone. What is absolutely mind-blowing to me is that not once did Job curse God. In fact, he did the opposite. He praised God. I don’t know about you but I don’t know that praising God would be my reaction. Job worshipped God despite his circumstances and feelings. I strive to be like Job. It’s ok to grieve and be upset with our situation but we should never curse God because of it. He has a purpose, a plan, and a reason on the other side of our pain. Surrender it to God. Whatever circumstance you may be in, whatever your situation looks like. I promise you, we serve a GOOD God. A God who loves us more than we will ever be able to comprehend. He’s never left you and he never will. You are his child.
P.S. if you haven’t received this love yet, let's get coffee! It’s on me!! I can honestly say there is no better decision than picking up the cross and following God. I won’t say life gets easier, it absolutely does not. But you discover a beautiful purpose in it all.
